Chris Leadbeater - Go away God!

I was born in Leeds and attended an all-girls Catholic school. Most of the teachers were nuns who ruled with a rod of iron tempered with a sprinkling of hell and damnation. The cane must have been compulsory as we were whacked daily for minor offences such as putting elbows on the desk or shuffling on seats. Any child with a spark of initiative was soon moulded into a compliant robot by means of daily punishment.

However my spark refused to be snuffed and my nonconformity and stubbornness was dealt with via cane, ruler and boot. A board rubber bouncing off the head was considered a good day.  Inevitably the day arrived when I was expelled. What a joyous day that was! I arrived home with a letter for my parents saying I had been permanently excluded due to ‘insubordination’. I had to look it up in the dictionary and thought it an apt description of my behaviour and wore it like a badge of honour. It was a confusing time and I couldn’t understand why we were taught about a kind loving God while simultaneously being thrashed into submission. Many of my cohort left school as non-believers, myself included.

My adult life was spent as an atheist but I always felt as though something was missing. Life continued; work, marriage and two children, who I adore. My daughter Amanda lives in Dublin and is married to a lovely man called Ray. My grand-daughter Millie is 11 years old and always has a smile on her face. My son Carl never married and lived with me, and was a huge support as I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. He worked as a data analyst, was kind and gentle with a dry sense of humour. We were friends as well as mother and son and we had regular giggling fits over nothing in particular.

In March 2017 my precious son died suddenly. For me, the world stopped turning and I sank into a deep depression which led to hospital admission as I didn’t want to live. I was discharged after two weeks thinking I could cope but every time I entered the house we shared I had a panic attack. I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder but left to cope with it on my own. I spent a lot of time in the garden shed and hired a car to sleep in at night.
I felt deeply depressed and abandoned.

Then Pat and Audrey both gave me a key to their houses and said I could go there when I felt panicky. I knew Pat had a quiet conservatory at the back of her house so thought I would be less trouble there. I turned up many times in tears, unable to cope and Pat let me lay on the sofa in her conservatory until the panic passed. Her support got me through a very dark period in my life. I was left in peace and quiet to sleep or she would listen without judgement if I wanted to talk. At times I felt suicidal and it must have been hard listening to my exit strategy but she got me through and eventually I started to recover. Knowing I had a safe haven gave me the strength to go on and I will always be grateful.

Losing a child is as painful as they say it is. To my amazement I started talking to the God I didn’t believe in. I never asked “Why MY child?” but couldn’t understand why I wasn’t asking that. My time spent with Pat and Audrey sparked an interest in faith as they seemed so at peace with life. Audrey had given me a Bible when she visited me in hospital so I started reading that. Quite by accident I came across a TV channel called TBN which promotes the Christian message. The preacher invited the viewers to pray with them and invite God into their lives. I recited their words half-heartedly but suddenly felt a tide of peace wash over me. I was startled and said aloud “Go away!” I don’t believe in you!” I turned the TV off and slept soundly that night, something I hadn’t done in months.

The next day I still felt different, calmer, cocooned, supported. Curiously I turned on the TBN channel again and it was as though the messages were especially for me. I was determined to remain an atheist but my hand reached out for Audrey’s Bible. It just felt right to read it, and it suddenly made sense. I knew that one day I would see my son again and told the Lord that I have given my life to him.
I felt drawn to the Baptist Church where I had attended various craft classes but never attended a Sunday service. I decided to just turn up one Sunday morning and sat next to Pat as casually as I could, hoping to blend in. The look on her face was priceless! Audrey did a double take and nearly fell off her chair! Humble pie doesn’t taste as bad as I expected as I was welcomed by everyone.

I have now dedicated my life to Christ and am awaiting instructions. I feel and hope that children are involved but will diversify if guided in another direction.  I look forward to being baptized on January 26

It’s never too late to do the Lord’s work and I hope for many years of service.